I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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