If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
