Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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