So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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