Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
