drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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