my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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