im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
