Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
