please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
