can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
