apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
