Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We just shotgunned beers for America
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
