If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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