and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
