Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
