So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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