i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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