She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
