I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
