i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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