Dude my mom stole all your condoms
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
