I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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