She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
