so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
