he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
