this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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