his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
