ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
