i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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