mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
