I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
