who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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