I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They took my balls.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
