2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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