Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
