I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize