ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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