Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We have so much sex to catch up on
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
