if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
