you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
