That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
