Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
