I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Randomize
