Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
