I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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