so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize