Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
