she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
