"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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