My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
