mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
