yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
