Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
