I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
A bitchslap is in order.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
