I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
