I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
